I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
