If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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