Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
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