I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
