Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
