shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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