walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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