You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
