Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
