my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize