Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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