Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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