I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
