How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
