Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
