the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
