i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
