your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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