great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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