I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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