I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
