I can tuck mytits in my pants
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
