I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize