Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
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