I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
