just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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