i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
