Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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