i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
