My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
