I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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