so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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