Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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