My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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