her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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