He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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