Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
