Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my shit smells like andre
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
