So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
