I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
