You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
