Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
