I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
