I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
