Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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