My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
my being single is dangerous.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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