well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
