Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
