shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
