i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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