Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize