I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
