she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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