Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize