i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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