remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
