people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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