If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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