VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
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