I love black thongs
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
worst night to have a conscience
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
