Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
