Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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