My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I still have a little drunk in my system
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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